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I feel so uttely miserable.

It's seriously one of those f*cking days where you can't help but stare at a f*cking steak knife and weigh all the pros and cons. This morning, after I misplaced my bus card and looked absolutely everywhere for it, my mum screamed at me continuously, as usual saying I was a stupid, selfish, unappreciative little cow and some far more vulgar language. It feels as if my whole family has been on my case lately, partially because I don't do my chores, sometimes, immediately when I get home from school. Maybe after an hour or so I'll do it, instead of straight away. I've only gotten worse lately, because my family has been on my case about such meagre things. Sure, if i didn't do my chore for a few days I could understand their constant nagging (although not the f*cking insults that go with the nagging), but a f*cking hour? What the hell!

I've been contemplating the reason I've been drawling out my chore each day, and I think it's because I automatically go into my room and onto my computer because I don't want to speak with my family; I know that whenever I do speak with them, they only make me feel miserable. Believe me, I'm very hard to shatter and break down to the point where I cry. I've cried thrice today.

During our enormous argument this morning, out of nowhere I screamed, "Shut the hell up, you miserable cow! You make me feel so horrible that I actually consider thrusting a f*cking knife into my head!" because I only wantied my mum to shut up and leave me alone because I felt so miserable. She yelled back, "Well then why don't you f*cking do it already, you f*cking stupid little bitch!?"

I then stormed outside, almost hyperventilating, slammed the door behind me and got my brother-in-law to drive me to a bus stop just before the motorway that leads to Auckland city and my school, a forty minute bus ride away.

I was so glad to be out of this f*cking house and eventually became a bit less distraught as the day went on. Speaking of which, I got to school at 9.15am, missing form class which starts at 8.45am and missing 10 minutes of Economics. Lucky Mrs Shankar believed me when she asked why I was late and I replied, "I had to stay behind and discuss something with my form teacher."

The day was pretty good with my friends to cheer me up, although I couldn't help but feel a bitter edge looming over me all day. I felt alright though. But when I got home, my mum was fine and I decided to just get my stupid chores out of the way so I could go in my room, even though my mum "banned" me from the computer this morning until I don't know when; she didn't say. Then I was utterly furious, after all the frustration that had been dormant after this morning, when my computer mouse stopped working and no other mouse works with the computer. It has all of my writing and everything on it...Just everything. I need it to update my iPod and just...gah! It's what I use to escape my family when I'mat home, an I know it'll effect my fanfic writing and updating, which is already terrible because of school and just...not feeling in the mood to write anything other than horror/mystery/suspense. Probably because that's depressing. My parents would also never pay for a new mouse, not because of money; because they're just selfish, arrogant little jerks like that. And because they must hate me half as much as I hate them. I just know it, so basically that computer is now unavailable to me.

My mum seems to think I have a 'serious problem'. I told her there's a reason I really care about the computer. When she bitched about what it was and denying that it was a valid reason, other than my 'serious problem', I hissed that it was because it was my way of avoiding my horrible family when actually at home; because I could go to my own little world to write; because I could talk with people, whether online or real life friends who I've known for a long time...People that actually care for me and don't make me feel miserable. Thee only 'serious problem' I may have is insanity, depression, anger management (hah, ever-so-slightly, if at all) or some combination there of, and no doubt induced by how they treat me.

Also, I got a fantastic mid-year school report, and yet my parents have to have thiss huge stress over one tiny little thing, when I'm half way to passing NCEA, even though it's only half way through the school year and most people are only a third or a quarter of the way to passing NCEA. Also, considering I've only sat 1/4 of my tests, because over half of the tests I sit for credits to pass happen at the end of the year (external tests). I hate my family so much. I really do.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 22nd, 2010 01:37 pm (UTC)

Hope things get better for you...
Jun. 22nd, 2010 03:06 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry. :( I really hope things get better soon. *hug*
Jun. 22nd, 2010 07:46 pm (UTC)
:( I really hope things get better...sounds like you are going through a lot.

Jun. 24th, 2010 07:38 pm (UTC)
You don't think it is wrong to talk to your mother, like u talk?
Even if you feel horrible.
Anyway I hope, u olright now.
What is NCEA?

P.S. Sorry for my english, i want sleep.)
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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